All in Your Head
by Novelist Pup
Summary: Kyuubi. Bad pickup lines. Naruto. Now THAT'S a bad combination. :CRACK:


**All in Your Head**

For itachisgurl93 for being the 300th reviewer for Low-Wage Worth.

(I secretly like this pairing and used dear itachisgurl93 as an excuse to write it. LOLOL AREN'T I EVIL?)

**Disclaimer: **_**Hell**_** no.**

* * *

"_Did you clean your pants with Windex? Because I can practically see myself in them._"

Naruto flinched. "Stop it, Sai."

Sai looked up from his sketching. "What are you talking about?" he asked. "I didn't say anything."

"Yes you did. You just asked me if I used Windex to clean my pants!"

"Why would I say that?"

"Because you can practically see yourself in them!"

The dark-haired ninja cocked an eyebrow and smiled. "I can't believe you just accused me of using such a bad pickup line," he said. "Especially when I would never want pants that your penis didn't even want to the point that it shrunk so it wouldn't have to touch the horrible fabric."

Naruto had the worst urge to kill him at that very moment.

"_I play the field… and it looks like I just hit a home run with you!_"

The orange-clad ninja jumped. "You did it again!" he yelled, pointing accusingly at Sai. Sai, in response, rolled his eyes.

"What did I do this time?" he asked.

"You said something about playing the field…"

Sai nodded. "Uh huh… anything else?"

"And that you just hit a home run with me."

"…I think I'm offended," the artist responded. "I don't think I'd _ever_ say anything that cheesy or tacky in my life."

"But you had to have said it!" Naruto insisted.

"And why do you suppose this much?"

"You are the only one here! There is _no one else_! And you're a flaming homosexual! It must be you!" the blond exclaimed.

Sai opened his mouth, closed it, and then opened it again.

"It's all in your head, Naruto,"

* * *

"_I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?_"

"Sakura, you already know where I live. Why are you asking?"

Sakura blinked. "Huh? What are you talking about?"

Naruto motioned in the direction of his apartment. "You just said you were new in town and that you needed directions to my apartment."

"No I didn't. I was talking about Ino's new nail garnish, or were you not listening?" she demanded, eyes blazing. Naruto nodded furiously, trying to not get on a girl's bad side. You never might know when they're PMSing.

"Of course I was listening… Punching Purple, right?" Sakura nodded. "I knew it. Okay, then if you didn't say it, who did?"

The pink-haired kunoichi shook her head. "I can't say I know, Naruto. Sorry."

"It's all right."

And they continued walking in silence.

"_Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns._"

Naruto froze completely. Sakura looked at her friend oddly and waved her hand in front of his eyes.

"Are you okay, Naruto?" she asked.

The blond looked at her very slowly and took in a deep breath.

"Please, for the love of anything, tell me you did _not_ just say that."

"Say what?"

Naruto looked relieved. "That's all I needed to know."

* * *

"_Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night._"

"Kiba, if you just said that, I'm punching you in the face. Immediately."

The brown-haired ninja frowned, slurping in the rest of his noodles. "Whad I shay?" he mumbled as he chewed.

"Something about me being tired because I was running through your mind."

"Dude, that's just gay. Oh wait, never mind, I tried that pickup line on Hinata once. Her face almost exploded, it was so funny."

Naruto rolled his eyes and chomped through his ramen. "Only you'd use a bad line like that."

"Maybe you too, if you're hearing things like that in your head."

"It can't be in my head! It always sounds so clear!"

"_Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin'._"

Naruto nodded. "Just like that!"

Kiba furrowed his eyebrows. "Like what, exactly?"

"…You didn't hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"…Never mind, it must've been in my head."

* * *

"_Is_ _your dad a terrorist? Because you are the bomb._"

Naruto almost forgot to breath. Shikamaru looked at him oddly.

"…Are you okay?" he asked slowly, as if Naruto was a mental asylum escapee.

"Did you just ask me if my dad was a terrorist?"

"What?"

"What the fuck would you ask me that for?!"

"Huh?"

"I never knew my father, you ass!"

"Bwuh?"

"Leave me alone!" And he stomped away.

Shikamaru blinked and looked down at his unfinished Go game. He simply clacked one of his stones to the board and the game was automatically won.

"That was so amusing it almost wasn't troublesome."

* * *

"_Your daddy must play the trumpet, because he sure made me horny!_"

"I'm going to kick your girly-looking ass, Neji!"

* * *

"_I'm good at math. U+I equals 69._"

Naruto clutched at his head in agony. This time, Naruto was alone, since he was on a mission and his teammates were off somewhere setting up camp and he was on guard.

And then, a bush rustled.

"Come out, you homosexual fucker!" Naruto screeched, tackling the bush. Sasuke popped out and attempted to escape the crazed demon-carrier's grip.

He failed, by the way.

"It was you, Sasuke?!" Naruto growled. "So completely leaving me and trying to take my life for your pretty eyes wasn't enough, eh? You had to go farther than that?!"

Sasuke began to look blue under Naruto's iron grip on his neck. "What the hell are you talking about, idiot?" he rasped. Naruto loosened his grip, but didn't get off of his ex-teammate.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, you gay ass-pirate!"

"I seriously don't. I was just stalking you to see about any information I could get from Konoha and you suddenly attack me. I can't help but say I'm clueless."

The blond paused. And he opened his mouth.

"_Is that a keg in your pants? Because I'd love to tap that ass._"

And he began shaking Sasuke again by his neck.

"Goddamn it bastard, YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN!"

Sasuke's left eye twitched. "You were looking at me the entire time! Did you see my mouth move _once_ while you were about to talk?!" he demanded.

Now that he thought about, he actually _never_ saw Sasuke's mouth move, or any of the other people he was quick to accuse.

"…Well, _no_, but how else do I explain the bad pickup lines I've been hearing?!" he complained.

Sasuke rubbed his neck once Naruto released it. "Well, I guess it's all in your head," he replied gruffly. Naruto sighed.

"That's what they all say…" but then, a thought popped into his head. And he turned towards Sasuke, smiling gleefully all the while.

Sasuke looked perturbed. "…Why are you looking at me like that?" he asked carefully.

Naruto smiled even larger, his eyes returning to their former squinting ways of his youth. "Go inside my head," he demanded. "You've done it before, so do it again!"

The black-haired ninja cocked an eyebrow. "And why would I do that?"

"I'll choke you to death and then take your dead body and vandalize your house by throwing your naked body on your front porch and painting '**ASS**-**PIRATE**' on your ass."

"…Good point. Well, I need you to stay still, and don't try to come in after me. I'll be able to stay inside longer if you don't."

Naruto jumped off of Sasuke and sat on the ground cross-legged, and he refused to move a muscle. Sasuke looked into his blue eyes and activated his Sharingan. Almost automatically, he flew through a dark tunnel and landed on his feet in Naruto's head.

"Damn! Somebody needs to write explosive on you, because you are the bomb!"

Sasuke jumped at the sudden voice. What kind of badly planned pickup line was _that_?

"You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!"

Where was that voice coming from? The ex-Konoha ninja walked through a long dark hallway, following the direction of the last pickup line. Soon, he came to a large and familiar cage, but instead of seeing a large, looming bubble-fox, he saw what looked like a young man with long red hair and an orange and black jumpsuit on the other side of the gate.

Sasuke watched carefully while the man didn't notice him. The redhead snickered and cupped his hands over a something in the wall and shouted.

"Your name must be Mickey because you're so fine!" And he fell over laughing. Sasuke twitched. That wasn't funny, that was _horrible_! What kind of evil bastard uses pickup lines in someone's head for fun?

Kyuubi no Kitsune, _that's_ who.

Kyuubi guffawed with laughter as he rolled around on the ground. Sasuke thought he looked rather special (as in _retarded_), considering the choice in clothing and the crazed laughter.

"Oh man, that _never_ gets old!" the demon said as he wiped a tear from his eye. Sasuke knocked on the bars, making the redhead snap his head towards him.

Kyuubi smirked. "Well, if it ain't the Uchiha!" he rumbled. "Come to foil my fun again, have you? Pop my bubble again, like last time? Invade my thoughts, like before? Wanna destroy my happiness again, huh? Tryin' t—"

Sasuke banged his hand on the bars, making a loud clanging noise. "Shut up!" he snapped. "I'm only in here because Naruto thinks that someone is spurting bad pickup lines from his head, and it looks like he's right."

The fox demon shrugged. "So what? You can't do anything about it without gettin' yourself killed by the mere force of my chakra."

Sasuke cursed. "Uh, I can ask you to stop?" he threatened weakly.

The redhead thought it over and shrugged. "Fair 'nough. Besides, I don't get much fun 'round here, in the brat's head. The food is ramen, every day _all day_, the entertainment is lookin' at the world through his eyes, and my soap operas are mainly the ninja-esque drama and his obsession over findin' you; and my clothing needs to die. This is all that is available for me, or I'm naked. _I don't want to be naked in Naruto's head_." Kyuubi complained long-windedly.

Sasuke couldn't but feel sorry for the poor fox, considering that all that stuff almost sounded worst than the bad pickup lines he had been using.

Kyuubi held up a finger. "Hold on," he said and turned back to his spot on the wall. Cupping his hands over the spot, he grinned inanely. "Mars? This is the advanced recon unit. Good news, I've found a couple of foxes." And he turned back to Sasuke.

"What were we talkin' about again?" he wondered aloud.

Well, Sasuke _did_ say 'almost'.

"Why bad pickup lines though?" he asked.

Kyuubi smirked. "What? Did you want me to start serenadin' in his head? 'Cuz I can do that."

"NO! I mean, no, don't do that. Then Naruto might commit suicide and you'd be dead."

"True. Now, why're ya still here?"

Why did the fox talk like a semi-drunk? Sasuke asked himself idly.

"Just wondering if you have a crush or something on Naruto, since you seem to be trying _really_ hard to get him."

Kyuubi barked a laugh. "Oh _hell_ no! I've been in the brat's head for fifteen years! We're close, but not _that_ close. If either of us were to try and make a move, it'd be like selfcest or YuGiOh or something!"

Sasuke didn't have enough time to ask what a YuGiOh was, because Kyuubi suddenly lunged towards the gates and grinned, showing his pearly white sharp edged teeth. That ramen must've helped on that note.

"Okay, I'm done talkin' to ya, Uchiha," he said cheerily. Then he held one finger up and touched Sasuke's forehead.

"Goodbye!"

And the Uchiha was flying back through the portal. He came back into his body with a start and Naruto stared at him worriedly.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

Sasuke nodded and then sighed. "Okay, it seems that the fox in your head has been using bad pickup lines on you for weird entertainment. I guess it's like prime-time on television for him."

Naruto looked at him and then punched himself in the stomach. "_DAMN YOU, KYUUBI_!!" he roared.

His teammates came bursting through the foliage and stopped at the sight of Naruto holding his stomach in pain and Sasuke standing over him.

Sai opened his mouth first. "It was the fox, wasn't it?"

Sasuke nodded. Naruto groaned in pain and Sakura rushed over to him. Kakashi looked at Sasuke and sighed.

"We never saw you, got that?"

"Completely." And the ex-Konoha ninja leapt through the trees.

Sakura ran her hands over Naruto's stomach, a blue light glowing from her fingertips. "Naruto, why would you do this to yourself?"

Naruto whimpered. "Bastard…demon…pickup lines…_pain_…" he muttered.

The pink-haired ninja sighed in resignation and tried to pat the blond on the head. "It's okay Naruto; _no one is going to get you with their evil pickup lines_."

The orange-clad ninja opened his mouth to respond.

"_I'm_ _a Love Pirate, and I'm here for your booty! ARRRGGGHHH!!!_"

And then he screamed.

A few days later, Uzumaki Naruto was admitted temporarily into the Konoha Mental Hospital due to his admittance of "voices in his head."

Kyuubi still thinks it's the funniest thing ever.

**END**

* * *

Lolololol. I loved writing this.

For the record, I've only used the "you must be tired" and the "I'm new in town" pickup lines. This does not make them any better.

I hoped you liked it, itachisgurl93!


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